{"horrors/dysfunction-of-the-executive-variety":{"slug":"horrors/dysfunction-of-the-executive-variety","filePath":"horrors/dysfunction of the executive variety.md","title":"dysfunction of the executive variety","links":[],"tags":[],"content":"i don’t know why. but for some i can never get finish a project that needs to be done. i can start it maybe, if somehow, magically, i get the urge to do it, but good luck to me to try and complete it.\nwell. except if there’s a really soon deadline, which makes me want to kill myself the entire time, but usually at last minute i manage to GRIND through everything and finish it. not greatly, but most of the time just good enough. i don’t know why i wait until last minute, i don’t know how i do good at things last minute, everything sucks. i wish to put efforts into things and take my time to finish them properly. i can’t even do projects that i DO actually feel like doing and completing but can’t because “oh, you have important things to do first, you should do them before getting to these”\n… okay, i DO know why i’m like this. i have untreated adhd and is possibly autistic, every time i try to ask for help, people seem to never understand me or it happens to be people who are in the same boat suffering.\neverytime i try to figure out more about myself in this manner, i kinda just end up punching myself. it feels like not much really changes either way, and that everytime i try to look for more reasons of why “I’m Right”, it ends up just being something to claim as “excuses for me being lazy”.\nbut. eh.\nagain, nobody understands. especially being surrounded by my parents who think everything that happens with me happens because i’m a “Misbehaving Child”, so i’m kinda just left to believe i’m fucked up and not normal and want to hurt myself over the fact that i can’t do anything right…?\ni guess with all of this to say, thanks to everyone who sticks with me. and for trying to help. i appreciate it. i just suck at words."},"horrors/me-and-my-dad":{"slug":"horrors/me-and-my-dad","filePath":"horrors/me and my dad.md","title":"me and my dad","links":["horrors/the-Car-Battery-incident"],"tags":[],"content":"ifyouknowme,iamprobablyoneofthemostautisticandmentallyunstablefucksouttherethatfeelslikeihavenovoicewhatsoeverandisafraidtospeaktoanythingphysicallybecauseitfeelslikeeveryonearoundmeisjustgoingtosaythesameunhelpfulthingsthatmakemewanttokillmyselfontheinside.ormaybeyoudon’t,becauseidon’tthinkiactuallyreallyactuallytalkaboutthissubjectdirectly,andijustmadeupthislabelformyselflike,rightnow,andifeellikeitsprettyaccurate.\nithinkit’ssafetosaythatmydadprobablyplayedamajorpartiskindajust.Beingabadparent?andyou’reprobablysaying“hatingyourparentsisshittytobehonestyou’reprobablyjustashittyspoiledchild”or“Ohhhhnoooooyoumustalwaysloveyourparentsnomatterwhat❤️”and,whileyes,idokindofagreewiththesetakes,ithinksomeofissuesstillalsostemfrommydadkindajustSuckingattakingcareofme.\nmydadistheonewhogotmeintocomputers,taughtmemanythingsotherparentsprobablyusuallydon’tteachtheirkids,andthingslikethat.ican’thatehimforthat,otherwisei’dbeacompletelydifferentperson(orotherwise,justNothereatall.)\nbut.iwillsay.maybeabitTMIforhim,buthewasdefinitelyabusedasachildanddoesn’tseeit.heacknowledgesbeing“Broken”fromhismomandasofrecentlyshowsheavysignsofsaidbrokenness,butstillconsidershertobeagreatparentforborderlineabusingthefamilytogrowupand“BeSuccessful”\nwithoutadoubt,hedefinitelytrieddoingthesametome.andforawhileithoughtitwasalsogoodparenting,beforerealizing,well.Notreally.ithurtmealotmorethanhelp,especiallyafterrealizing,andafterthat,ijustlostallfaithinmydad.iknowwhathe’sgoingthrough,heisn’twellata
