# college

Jun 14, 2025 6 min read

- irl
- drain-dump

so, i started college like. last year? time… flew about pretty fast actually, surprisingly. and i also didn’t do well my first year, in fact, totally fucked it up then somehow managed to recover just a tiny bit last minute. i’m unsure how that happened, but if i had to guess, probably my decline in mental health and generally being able to comfortably exist and having no support or help around it (an “iykyk” type of thing - if you’ve seen me on both of my fedi accounts you know what’s up or why i actually feel this way)

i’m studying for info tech specialist. basically it starts off with the most easiest classes ever: “web programming” (just html, css then a little bit of javascript) and a class that has an actual name that i don’t remember, but was basically just learning how to use microsoft office. i thought they would be the easiest class ever, but they weren’t lol.

well. okay, they were easy… and that’s how i failed both of them. the work was too easy i literally couldn’t focus or bother to put time into either of them when, in my mind, i could have been doing the same thing for something 100x better (in the sense of “i would feel 100 times more accomplished and proud of myself to do something that would also look 100 times better for myself and actual “personal gain” instead of being forced to make something by the book and what would feel like wasting time to me”) then surely enough keeping on the mindset until i was drowning in overdue work that i couldn’t even make up.

similar-ish story for the office class, but it was more of a case that microsoft word was pretty easy and chill to do, then we moved onto powerpoint which was fine as well, then we moved onto excel and. fuck that. i just kinda gave up. and in the end, both classes fucked and i lost my financial aid support in just one semester (oh did i mention i live in the US btw? yeah i have to pay for this shit along with everything else in my fucking shitty ass life. i fucking looooove being american.)

okay, lost isn’t actually what happened. i did get into like probation or whatever the hell where i had to do good in my next classes to not be fucked over. so i did. i messed up when registering though. i got 3 classes; an adobe one, a networking one and a computer programming class. i don’t know what the hell just blinked in my head that 3 classes despite being on the last tearing thread holding me right above a shredder and managing to lose my education in just a year where that was a good idea.

anyways; the adobe one was pretty chill and, actually kinda fun. i pirated everything then had to pay for it for an assignment to use the stupid gen-ai feature for some reason… then never having to use that feature again. the computer programming one… sucked. badly. it was python, supposed to be like for babies but that class also really nailed it into in my head that i just Do Not like programming in terms of the computer world. i’ll gladly be a sysadmin and read documentation and configure things and be glad everything works, but yeah, actually coding something together, no matter what it is or what it’s made in, is the worst thing ever for me and you’re never going to get good results out of it. “isn’t your site just homemade html and css” it’s not at all close to actual programming. as for networking; ended up dropping it. had issues with the dumb cisco software we had to use for it (i use fedora, i ended up having to make a special ubuntu distrobox image and container to make it work) and even then i just couldn’t wrap my head around the assignments or to even do it.

so as for the two classes that didn’t sound i was doing great in: for the programming class i just used an LLM to generate my final project because i was getting desperate but also tired as shit trying to deal at python code that my brain literally shut down immediately at the sight of it. networking, as i said, i dropped it, which also hurt my financial aid even more because apparently due to being on probation it would automatically suspend me for dropping a class even though they gave me the whole clear flag to do so.

(to the zero people asking “why are you a synth if you’re bad with computers” - i dislike being in a human body, i think synths are cool as fuck, i like the idea of “Cool Tech Stuff
” and a synth is kind of a flexible and easiest way to also mash multiple things i like together. besides, i’m running synth.download and enjoying it. anyways back to the college ranting;)

thankfully though, the adobe class i managed to actually do everything well and on time, the programming class not so much but managed enough to pass both classes which helps my financial aid status a lot. i did notice a trend in those two classes that i procrastinated a lot and would only be able to churn out actual work when it was due literally like, last minute. i want to stop that behavior but it appears it’ll be hard without help or medication or anyone understanding me, etc.

soooo… now what? my financial aid status is still not Great, but it is improving. i am taking some summer classes just to get them out of the way and they’ve been doing well so far. i’ll make little notes from time to time about things i find funny or out of content or actually genuinely interesting from them here. current class i’m taking is art appreciation. they just teach you the history of art, shapes and lines and stuff and how they work. stuff like that, it’s really easy and i’ve been managing to keep up so far.

and that’s about it. yes, my financial aid is still not fully back but hopefully with these summer classes that can be improved. just wanted to state this here. cause why not.